so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just blew my weed a kiss
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
