I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
please don't ironically join a cult
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