They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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