They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
