she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
