matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
