Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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