i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You are a genius and a whore.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
