he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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