Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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