that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
