Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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