My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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