Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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