I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
