and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
