Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
