dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
