Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Randomize
