Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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