420 ftw
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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