booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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