this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
