if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
