moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
