My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
