I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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