Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Farmville is her only friend.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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