a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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