Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
