Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
