Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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