i can't believe i had my finger in that
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
