my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
