Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
