If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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