Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
