He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
