I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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