You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
