She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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