we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
