I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
