Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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