Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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