You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
