He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Terrible idea I love it
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
