There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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