He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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