and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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