mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
