3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
